


Filling the Gap

by Sanorace



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: For Science!, Friendship/Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 19:11:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2079837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanorace/pseuds/Sanorace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blurring the lines between friendship and love, Drumknott tries to find his place in Vetinari's world. Where do the boundaries truly lie?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Lord Vetinari took another glance at his schedule. This was a first.

"Well Drumknott, it appears that my next appointment is with you. You do know that you can talk with me at any time."

"Yes sir," said Drumknott, "but I felt I would not voice this without a proper appointment. I didn't want to be able to avoid it."

"This seems to be an important discussion. Do sit down."

Drumknott fidgeted in the chair while Vetinari finished signing a document.

"Sir, there's been something bothering me lately that I can't really share with anyone else."

"No need for minutiae Drumknott," said Vetinari, checking another paper. "Get to the point."

"Have you ever thought about getting married?"

Vetinari's face froze for a full second.

"What prompted this?"

Drumknott had worked with Vetinari for long enough to know when to keep things to himself. He also could spot misdirection.

"You didn't answer my question. You said no niceties."

Vetinari put down the papers he was browsing and set them aside, giving Drumknott his full attention. It was a courtesy that he rarely extended to anyone.

"I have given it some thought, certainly," he said. "However, I have decided to forgo marriage unless the need arises. I prefer to avoid any unnecessary complications."

Drumknott paused for a moment. For the first time in his life, Vetinari filled the silence himself.

"This is about that librarian isn't it?"

Drumknott nodded. "My sister says that men of my age should think about settling down. Mother wants grandchildren and I want to do this right. I'm not sure what points to consider though. What kinds of things would have to happen that would make marriage inevitable?"

"I believe you are asking the wrong man."

"No, you're the only one I can ask about this," Drumknott countered, pressing through his boss' attempts to dodge the subject. This was an appointment after all. "I tried, but no one could give me an answer that made sense. Everything they said was vague and contradictory. You are the only one I know who will take this seriously and won't use the information against me. Well, without reason that is."

Vetinari leaned back in his chair and let his gaze drift. He knew a lot about the human psyche but never bothered to learn much about its actual practice. It involved far too many fluids for his taste.

"If you insist. A relationship would become dangerous to ignore only if a certain kind of love is involved. It is a rare occurrence but still a possibility to be taken into account."

"How can I tell if I have that kind of love?"

"It can be difficult to pinpoint since there are so many permutations of love, but there are criteria that must be fulfilled as a standard for those that are the most hazardous. If you find yourself in a position where more than half of these are true then I ask you to notify me so I can make proper adjustments. It is best to spot the warning signs early on so as to avoid any unwanted behavior. Be on the lookout for a person of whom your thoughts return to on a daily basis even when the person in question is not present. You would consistently put their needs ahead of yours even when doing so would be inadvisable or interfere with your life. You will feel the need to be close to them and protect them. You'll find pleasure in making them happy regardless of personal toil. You will do irresponsible and reckless things to gain their attention or gratitude. The thought of them dying would be inconceivable. Most important of all, you must feel these symptoms for a significant amount of time with little chance of change. About a year or so might be enough. I may be wrong, but I believe Lady Margolotta's assistant does not fit the requirements for an inescapable love."

Drumknott gave a sigh of relief. He opened his mouth to voice his appreciation but stopped suddenly. His face condensed into an expression of puzzlement.

"You need me to clarify something?" said Vetinari.

"Yes, there is someone who fulfills many of those criteria. I am unsure how to proceed."

"If you have no other confidant then I urge you to consult with me. I may be able to help in some way."

"The thing is that those are similar to my feelings about you."

Vetinari went silent for a whole two seconds this time. He stared into the middle distance with a look of intense concentration on his face.

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Does this mean I feel love towards you?"

Vetinari shrugged. "It is possible. You have shown a great deal of loyalty towards me. However this may or may not be relevant. There are many kinds of love with varying levels of severity. How many requirements do I meet?"

"I think of you and your safety every day. I could not imagine what my life would be like without you as patrician. I do find comfort in your approval and I've been here for years. Many have told me that keeping this job is insane so that may count as recklessness."

"Hmm, that does seem to be cause for alarm when you list them like that. This will have to be addressed. Perhaps a test is in order? I'd like to know the severity of this attachment." Vetinari stood and extended his hand to the seated Drumknott. "How do you feel?"

Drumknott took his boss' hand and paused perplexed.

"I don't know."

"Do you feel the need to push me away?"

"No… should I?"

"This is your opinion. I can't answer that for you, but it would not surprise me if you found this acceptable. You and I have worked together for years now."

Drumknott gave a tiny smile of accomplishment. He had passed the test. The smile disappeared when Vetinari got up and placed his hand on Drumknott's head.

"And now what do you feel?"

"Um, confused sir. You've never touched my head before."

"That was my intention. I need to find the limits of your regard for me. Do you now wish to retreat?"

"Not really. Though I do question this method of investigation. How can touch measure love?"

"It shows acceptance and trust, some of the most obvious components. Tell me when your emotions reject me."

"Reject you? I can't do that. I have to follow your orders."

"That should not be an issue," said Vetinari. He still hadn't removed his hand. "You have superb control over your emotions. Simply use them in a way that best fits the situation i.e. relinquish all control so your feelings have authority to override the rules that your mind follows."

"Is that necessary?"

"Yes. You are nigh indispensible. Your mental health is just as important as your physical wellness. This is not something you can ignore. I will keep record of the results of the tests and we can go over them at the end."

Drumknott seemed to relax a little at the idea of handing over responsibility for the report. He closed his eyes and proceeded to overwrite the permissions on his emotions.

"I feel… strange."

"That is insufficiently specific."

"I feel small and… proud? Embarrassed, but pleased too."

"That makes sense. What about this?

Vetinari put an arm around Drumknott's shoulders and heard him stop breathing.

"Is this your limit? A companion level is hardly worth any concern."

Vetinari's clear gaze shot right through him. Drumknott closed his eyes to avoid seeing them, but he still knew they were there.

"Um… I'm not sure," said the clerk. "I feel uncomfortable, but that might be because we are at different levels. I'd like to minimize variables."

Vetinari motioned for Drumknott to stand up and resumed his one armed touch.

"I feel fine really. Embarrassed but still comfortable. It feels nice I guess, like you're congratulating me?"

Drumknott stifled a sound when Vetinari suddenly hugged him. He started shaking.

"Ah, so this is it then, a friend?" Vetinari deduced. "It's been a long time since I've had someone new think of me as a friend. Lady Sybil fits in this category." Vetinari pulled back. "We can work together as friends as long as you understand that you will not receive special treatment because of it."

"Wait," Drumknott said indecisively. "Do that again, please. You triggered a large amount of emotions. I didn't get a chance to identify all of them."

Vetinari wrapped his arms around Drumknott once again and felt the man shaking. He did not move but waited for his assistant to voice his assessment. It didn't come.

"How do you feel?" he prompted. "This is a boundary. It is perfectly fine to push me away."

"I… I feel like I'm in danger."

"Then perhaps your love is not at a friendship level yet. I should let go."

"No," Drumknott said perplexed. "That's not all. I also feel safe, guilty, and warm."

"Conflicting emotions, that's not a good sign. I'm going to keep this contact. Tell me when to stop."

"But that's a waste of your time."

"You made an appointment remember? This time has been set aside for you already. You will need to stop thinking or the results will be off. This is supposed to simulate a worst case scenario when rational thought disappears."

"That can happen?" asked Drumknott horrified.

"If love is involved, yes, but this is a controlled environment. There's nothing to worry about."

Drumknott relaxed and reciprocated the hug. Vetinari stood there patiently holding him but eventually he broke away.

"Hmm, you're obviously comfortable with a hug. The feeling of danger before may have been an outside influence. Perhaps you go as far as familial love? That could be interesting, inappropriate for work, but acceptable nonetheless. Let me see. My aunt used to do this to me when I was young."

Vetinari scooped up Drumknott like a child.

"Hey!"

"You'll have to find your emotions quickly. I can't hold you up that long."

Drumknott searched his feelings. It was becoming easier to do which worked well under the circumstances.

"I feel light."

"I assure you that you are not light."

"I mean I feel carefree, safe, and loved. Awkward, embarrassed and guilty."

"That's… odd. Does it feel intrusive at all?"

"Not really."

Vetinari made an indistinct sound and laid Drumknott on his desk. He placed a hand on his chest.

"And what about now?"

"Why am I lying down?" asked Drumknott.

"It is a position of vulnerability similar to a child being tucked in at night. How do you feel?"

"Um… awkward and a little unsettled, but not enough for me to think of rejecting the contact. I feel safe still."

"More than the love of a son then. Perhaps younger?"

Vetinari pressed down on Drumknott's chest and fixed him with a coldhearted stare.

"Do you reject me?"

"I feel scared and hurt and betrayed, but I don't feel the need to fight you."

"That is to be expected," Vetinari said, glad to have found solid evidence. "Do you feel shame or hopelessness?"

"A little shame, but not hopelessness."

Vetinari was truly baffled now. A very young child would have a desperate and blind loyalty that endured despite opposition, but that usually came with despair, weakness, and a feeling of guilt. Drumknott didn't have that. Vetinari shifted tactics. He slid his hand up to his assistant's neck and filled his eyes with killing intent. Drumknott didn't need to explain what he felt. He had stopped trying to hide his emotions and the pain of betrayal stained his face with tears. His body shook and his breaths grew shorter. A choked gasp came out as Vetinari started to close his hand around Drumknott's throat. He clamped his eyes shut and grasped his arms across his chest but didn't touch the hand that threatened to throttle him. Vetinari slowly stopped his fingers before they became tight enough to hinder Drumknott's breathing, but he kept the pressure. He watched Drumknott cry and shiver below him. It didn't make sense when combined with the other results.

There was no indication that Drumknott thought he deserved this treatment. That ruled out a few choices. Vetinari looked for disappointment and self-doubt but found none. A person who feels responsible for another's actions would question their own abilities when their ward acts out. Drumknott was not playing the part of a mother or mentor.

He became more puzzled when Drumknott dipped his chin to touch his hand. He gradually calmed down as he realized that Vetinari was not squeezing him any further. He was safe, just as he should be. Drumknott inched his hand up his chest until his fingers brushed against Vetinari's skin.

"Forgiveness. Not a captive either…" Vetinari whispered to himself.

That left very few options left, none of which he expected to find in Drumknott. He drew his hand up his clerk's neck to his ear. Drumknott's eyes flickered open and he leaned softly into the touch. Vetinari composed his expression. He leaned over Drumknott and held himself up with his arm. Those grey blue eyes searched him for any hint of deception, but Drumknott had given his emotions free reign and his face was honest. Vetinari leaned down until he touched their foreheads together, still hoping his gut feeling wasn't true, but he couldn't overlook the peace and acceptance in Drumknott's eyes as they slowly closed. Vetinari ran his fingers through his hair and listened to his shallow quick breaths. Drumknott reached up and gently put a hand on the back of the Patrician's neck. Vetinari stared at him.

Drumknott brushed his lips against Vetinari's cheek making his eyes widen in shock. An indirect kiss could be used when meeting a dear friend after a time of separation or in a moment of victory. This was not that sort of excited kiss. It was soft and indistinct, not so much a kiss as a touch.

Vetinari waited for him to make a suggestive move, to confirm a simple need for release. He didn't. Drumknott only twined his fingers in his hair and nuzzled his face. It wasn't supposed to go like this. Love wasn't something that happened to him. He had always been careful to make certain that no one liked him. Why would…

Vetinari slowly moved one of his hands down Drumknott's chest to his groin. Drumknott shouted in protest and bent his hips out of the way.

"Is this the limit then?" asked Vetinari. "Do you reject me?"

Drumknott whined. This whole ordeal had left him emotionally exhausted, but he couldn't go back to using his rational mind or the spell would break. He wanted so much to believe. He feared returning to reality where this was all meaningless and foolish research. He had to sustain the beautiful illusion or it would be lost forever. He had to continue.

"It just surprised me. I'm okay," he lied.

Drumknott squeezed his eyes further shut and held Vetinari's other hand as he allowed him to touch him again. He flinched and forced himself to believe it was right.

"Wait!" shouted Drumknott as he sharply shrunk from Vetinari's hand. "No, I mean, just wait a moment."

Drumknott kissed Vetinari's lips, flailing desperately for some sort of middle ground. He wanted that contact, to keep the one he loved from leaving. He stalled for time, feigning indecisiveness though every touch terrified him. Even the kiss felt wrong. He didn't want the test to end, but saying no to Vetinari's searching hand would end it. A voice in his heart screamed at him to stop, that this wasn't right. A feral voice lower down growled for more and through the fight his skin crawled in fear that either one would win.

Vetinari removed his hands and would have straightened up if Drumknott had not grasped his shoulders, holding him down.

"No! It's okay! I'm fine!"

"You are far from fine."

"No, it's nothing!"

Vetinari brought his hand up and for a fraction of a second Drumknott feared that he would hit him. He cringed but still held Vetinari's shoulders tightly. He gasped when he felt a thumb glide across his cheek gently. Vetinari held it up so Drumknott could see the tears drip down his wrist. He rubbed his palms over Drumknott's cheeks to remove the salty water. He didn't have to say anything. Drumknott knew he has lost. The test was over. He loosened his grip and let his arms drop in defeat. He turned his head away and tried to reconstruct his rational mind. Vetinari gently moved his chin so to force Drumknott to look at him. The Patrician's eyes were shockingly soft. They were painful to look at.

"You have your data, sir."

After a pause, Vetinari said "not quite."

Drumknott didn't respond. He lowered his feet to the floor, suddenly extremely self-conscious. He didn't want to be here anymore. He didn't want to be anywhere.

Vetinari held out a hand denying him an escape route. Drumknott could feel his master's touch over his heart. He knew that it was beating so hard that he would definitely be able to feel it even through his shirt. Vetinari wiped away the tears that had newly formed on his cheeks. Drumknott leaned into the touch and cursed himself for being too weak to stop it. Then Vetinari pulled him into the same style of platonic hug that he had used as test number four. Drumknott clung to him dampening the cloth on his shoulder and trying to calm down. The Patrician was a very patient man. He could wait. Even in a friendly hug, Vetinari's presence and proximity scared Drumknott, but the thought of not having him was too hard to bear.

"I've realized a flaw in this experiment's procedure that has led to… inconclusive results," Vetinari said. "I think… test four needs more time for consideration. I'd like to use it as a baseline for future hypotheses."

Drumknott smiled weakly, content in knowing that this would not be the last time they touched.


	2. Chapter 2

Drumknott ran his finger down his schedule for the fourth time that day. The first was just as part of his morning routine. The second was a double take. The third was an hour later once he had eaten and woken up properly. No matter how many times he read it, the names stayed the same, especially one. In his elegant script, the Patrician had written his name. It was not a good sign. Lord Vetinari rarely made actual appointments, especially not with his own clerk. After the third reading, he told himself that it was a joke. There was no ignoring the authenticity of the signature, but humans have the unique power of self-delusion. Drumknott had subconsciously refrained from looking at it again in case he saw the truth. The false belief was the only thing that allowed him to get on with his day and do his job.

But time passed and the lie faltered and finally died. Ten minutes early, Drumknott stepped out of his office and followed the familiar path that led to the Oblong office. He didn’t get very far. Vetinari was in the hallway.

“Ah Drumknott, there was no need to come and get me.”

Vetinari walked past him and made his way towards Drumknott’s office. The clerk was confused. As he shut the door of his office, he clung to the tiny spark of hope that maybe Vetinari was simply going to admonish him and cut his pay.

“I need to speak with you,” said Vetinari as he took a seat on the bench Drumknott used when addressing large parties.

Drumknott walked mechanically to a chair a polite distance from him. He let logic and reason take over his mind so he could more easily keep his face blank.

“You were crying,” said Vetinari.

There was no question as to what he was referring to. Drumknott stared straight ahead. His cold logic reassured him that what would happen would be for the best. It was the most effective solution.

“Yes,” he replied. “I made a mistake.”

Vetinari beckoned for him to sit beside him. Drumknott obeyed without question. He knew exactly how despicable his transgression was and urged himself to not make a fuss about it. His body barely twitched when Vetinari touched his shoulder. Images of blood fluttered in his mind’s eye. His reasonability was slipping swiftly. He hoped it would all be finished soon before he embarrassed himself further.

“You’re shaking,” Vetinari said.

Drumknott cursed at himself. Even though he was trying so hard to suppress his terror, he could not block the physical manifestation of fear. He felt Vetinari’s hand on his cheek, and gave up everything. A wave of panic and hopelessness surged through him effectively annihilating his sense of self. He felt the sickening calm that only came with disassociation. There was nothing to worry about. His body was no longer his own.

“You’re crying.”

Drumknott didn’t feel his body fall to the ground. Why would he? He wasn’t there. He didn’t feel.

He couldn’t ignore Vetinari’s arms lifting him.

Drumknott gasped as his mind came crashing back into his body, back into the fleshy confines that drowned him in a body flooded with agony and fear. Drumknott threw his arms around Vetinari and screamed. Vetinari clapped a hand over Drumknott’s mouth to muffle the sound and returned the embrace with his other arm. It was over a minute before Drumknott loosened his grip.

“Please sir, I… I don’t want… I don’t want to die.”

“It’s nice that you haven’t lost your sense of self-preservation, but there is little chance of you dying. I am quite capable of protecting you, from a physical attack that is.”

“But you can't let me live! I know too much and I… to you…”

Vetinari picked up his limp body, carried him into the adjoining room, and placed him on the bed that Drumknott used when his work kept him from leaving.

“I’m certain that having a mental breakdown is insufficient cause for the death penalty”. Vetinari pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and handed it to Drumknott. “Considering the state you were in, your actions are forgivable.”

Drumknott blinked. With his logical mind at the helm, the possibility of forgiveness had not even occurred to him. He tried to hide his face in the handkerchief.

“I… was selfish. I just wanted to be close to you. I should never have kissed you. I’m sorry.”

Vetinari snorted softly. “You’re sorry? How can you be sorry when I’m the one who molested you?”

“You didn’t know,” said Drumknott trying to make himself look as small as possible. “It was my decision not to stop. Am I a coward?”

“For what? Not defending yourself? That is a banal form of cowardice.”

Drumknott turned his body away from Vetinari. He curled up and folded his arms across his chest.

“Drumknott, as of now, you are officially on sick leave. You barely ever use your paid time off and you have more than a few weeks backed up on your records. Have you spoken to anyone about this?”

Drumknott shook his head.

“I see you have not lost all of your sanity. This is a private matter.”

Vetinari questioned him about his workload and listened to his suggestions on who should take over his duties in his absence. Talking about the practical matters helped calm him significantly.

“Very well,” said Vetinari. “I want you to relax for a few days and give yourself time to sort out all of…” he made a vague gesture, “this.”

“But look at what I’ve done. I can't recover from being crazy!”

“Emotions are strange things, Drumknott. It may not be possible for me to give you the type of love you need. Any deficiencies will have to be made up by someone else. Perhaps Charlie will be interested. You do know my mannerisms quite well. He could use this opportunity to polish his skills.”

“Ah, yes, Charlie, I never thought of that. He’s just like you so I can get through my insanity without interrupting you! That’s very sharp, sir.”

“Thank you, Drumknott.”

* * *

 

Drumknott knocked on the door.

“Yeah,” came a voice from inside. “It’s open.”

Charlie glanced up at his visitor and fumbled just a second to get in character.

“Ah, Drumknott, to what do I owe the pleasure.”

His acting skills surprised even Drumknott. He was spot on. A light of hope flared. Maybe this really could work.

“Very nice, Charlie. You’ve improved. The patrician has asked me to do some advanced evaluations with you that will stretch your improvisation. These will be situations that have occurred rarely and you will be scored by me based on how believable you are and how well your actions match with those Vetinari had made.”

“Intriguing, do continue.”

Drumknott took one last glance at his clipboard before taking Charlie’s hand. He showed no reaction but a slight quirk of the eyebrow.

“Very good,” said Drumknott, “and this?”

He reached up and put his hand on the top of Charlie’s head. Charlie gave him a chilly look.

“What is this about, Drumknott? Is there going to be an event during which the Patrician will have to be touched? A blessing or perhaps a crowning?”

“No this is quite different.”

Drumknott gave him a hug and watched his reaction in a mirror. Charlie put on a look of mild disdain that could have passed for reverence at a distance. He was quite the actor.

“Your affection is flattering but thanks is not necessary.”

Drumknott made a perplexed expression and held the embrace a moment longer.

“It is unlikely that someone would hug his Lordship for this long,” said Charlie. “I don’t believe there is a country with a custom like this and children tend to avoid him.”

Drumknott let go and made a note in his report. Something was odd. He instructed Charlie to lie on the table.

“Is this a ceremony of sorts? Am I to be sacrificed in his stead?”

“Of course not. This is something more personal to him that would be inconvenient to address himself.”

Drumknott placed his hand on Charlie’s chest. Despite his calm appearance, his heart was fluttering. He used his diaphragm to breathe so that his chest would not betray his discomfort. Drumknott made another note. Charlie let his act fall until Drumknott turned back around. This was definitely out of his comfort zone, but he held on as he would in any of the other stressful situations he had faced. Drumknott touched his face and Charlie pushed him away.

“You overestimate my abilities, Drumknott. I cannot fool Lady Margolotta or Madame Messerole.” Charlie sat up and got to his feet. He stood there only as Charlie. A painful look crossed his face. And he looked away. “Tell me, what is this really about?”

Charlie stepped closer to Drumknott. He touched Drumknotts chest and slowly lifted his head to meet his eyes. Hope and fear filled Charlie’s face. He drew his hand up to Drumknott’s cheek.

“Could it be that I am the one you came to see?”

Drumknott slowly took his clipboard and headed to the door. Charlie intercepted him.

“If not that, then what do you want? I can do it. I can be just like him!”

Drumknott pushed open the door.

“I have an appointment to make.”

The test was a failure.


	3. Chapter 3

Vetinari slid open the drinks cupboard in Drumknott’s sitting room and selected a bottle. It wasn’t because he wanted to get drunk but rather because he needed something to do with his hands. He normally held paper in stressful situations or his cane if he was standing. There were many times when he was not allowed such a comfort, but this was not one of them. Drumknott was not someone he had to guard himself against. It was one of the reasons why he chose to approach him so candidly.

“If not an apology, then what is it you want from me?” said Vetinari. He poured two glasses and gave one to Drumknott. Neither of them drank.

“I just want to talk,” Drumknott muttered, searching the bottom of his glass. “I just… I don’t know. Ever since my family expressed their desire to see me married, I’ve been looking at my own feelings a lot. Miss Healstether is so easy to be around. I thought I loved her, but now I’m not so sure I’m doing it right. You’re different from her. I don’t want to think of you as family or a friend because you’re not. You’re you. I don’t want to be your husband or boyfriend or whatever it is that the dwarfs call it when there’s a miscommunication. I want to be me and nothing else. Lady Margolotta is a much better lover than I’ll ever be, but is that what you need me to do in order to be close to you?”

“Sex is not a requirement,” said Vetinari. “It just simplifies things into a more identifiable form. You are far from simple, Drumknott.

“I know you and Lady Margolotta have this thing going on but that’s politics. I mean when is the last time she said something to you that you could just take at face value without looking into it? That is, except things like ‘I want it harder’. She’s crafty and feisty and all those good things that I know you like, but you can't just walk into the next room and sit next to her. She’s not there.”

Vetinari looked at Drumknott in the same stoic fashion that he used in his office. Mild distain tinted a face that would otherwise be unreadable. Drumknott sighed and sat down on a couch. He held the glass in both hands and attempted to explain himself again. This time without insulting the Patrician’s girlfriend.

“I suppose what I really want is for you to trust me. I know that it sounds deluded but, I want to see you smile when you see me because you don’t have to worry about anything bad happening. I want to be able to tell you it’s alright even if it’s a lie. I can give you a chance to be weak. I want… I want to be able to do that for you, and I want you to do that for me too. I feel safe with you. Will you let me come to you when I need it? For a few seconds will you comfort me? Even if it’s just so I can go back and be a more efficient clerk, I want to be close to you sometimes.” Drumknott’s hands shivered, making tiny circles on the surface of the alcohol. “I want to be able to call you Havelock.”

Vetinari’s expression softened. “Ah, I think this is what they call a bromance.”

“What? But I don’t want to be romantic.”

“I think you are one of the many people who have a skewed vision of what romance is.” Then without any sign, Vetinari said, “All right, I accept.”

Drumknott blinked. “You do? Just like that?”

“Why would I say no?”

“Because you never did anything like that before!”

“The circumstances have never been quite like this before.”

Vetinari settled next to Drumknott and draped his arms around his shoulders from the side. He laid his head down and went silent, his face serene.

“How far will you allow me to go?”

“Um… I,” Drumknott mumbled, certain that he should feel more scared about this. “I guess as long as we both have clothes on, it’s okay. Don’t kiss me on the lips and don’t touch my crotch and we should be fine.”

“That is something I can do.”

Drumknott sat there stiffly. The Patrician’s weight fell around him like a security blanket made of razor blades. He felt like a bear cub who had just seen his mother kill a wolf.

Vetinari lounged silently on Drumknott’s shoulders. His secretary was by no means as padded as the other people he had hugged in the past, but he still had that comfortable softness of a man who’s life did not balance on the edge of a knife. Vetinari could almost imagine himself getting used to this.

“What about you?” asked Drumknott unable to relax. “You’ve never told me your boundaries.”

“I don’t have any boundaries,” Vetinari answered. “There is nothing you can do to me that will hurt me in the slightest.”

Drumknott smiled softly and leaned into Vetinari’s body. He was warm and smelled like lamp oil, but the smile faded as the words sunk in.

“Then there’s nothing I can do that will make you happy…”

Drumknott brought his hand up to touch Vetinari’s wrist. He hadn’t come in with any expectations other than rejection and actually touching him was surreal. This was what his emotions had told him he wanted, but it still didn’t feel quite right. The problem flailed around in his mind uselessly. Eventually Drumknott queried his heart and the chaos answered impulsive and pure.

“There are some days when I can't see you at all. When you’re alone, you move mechanically like a golem. It’s like you’re only alive when there is someone there to oppose you. Why do you have to be so damn strong all the time? Doesn’t it start to hurt?”

“I keep my emotions under control,” said Vetinari said calmly.

“It still hurts. I can tell when you’re just going through the paces. You don’t even look like you.”

“I know exactly who I am, Drumknott.”

“You’re a slave.”

Vetinari froze. Drumknott’s chest stung. He never pretended to be able to understand the Patrician, but he saw that they had some similarities that made anticipating his needs easier. He could feel the pain. They could both feel it and they both knew why.

“You love the city, but the city doesn’t love you back,” said Drumknott slowly. “You put all your energy into it and you still have to find your own satisfaction. Ankh Morpork is more of a vampire than Lady Margolotta.”

Vetinari didn’t defend the jab at Margolotta this time. He didn’t need to when the words were almost a complement. Drumknott knew what he was talking about. He too lived for the city. He too understood what it meant.

Vetinari nodded but didn’t confirm anything. Drumknott knew that Vetinari would not see him if he didn’t want to. The offer was made but there was nothing expected. It didn’t matter when Vetinari came to see him. What was important was that he knew Drumknott would be there when he needed him. There was only a nod, but that was more than enough for now.

* * *

 

He didn’t come that evening. The day after was back to business as usual, not even a hint of what had gone on between them the day before. It was a relief in a way. It made it easier to focus on what the city needed. The city always needed something. Ankh-Morpork was a raving psychopath but at least she was something Drumknott knew how to handle.

Drumknott flinched when he felt a hand lightly touch his shoulder. He was normally so well attuned to Vetinari’s footsteps that he could hear them when others couldn’t. His sudden appearance ignited a flare of emotions, not the least of which was fear. It was an almost physical jolt to be yanked out of a logical mindset so quickly and the whiplash of overcompensation left him unable to say anything. Vetinari bent down, kissed him on the cheek, and left without a word.

It was exactly what Drumknott had wanted.


End file.
